Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
So many bounce houses so little time
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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