I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
time to smoke my breakfast
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
