He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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