its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize