So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
