I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
