he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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