Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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