Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
