I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
