So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
