Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
