omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
