Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
