I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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