**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
