did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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