i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
