My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
