Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?