Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.