I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
