i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got inside last night via doggy door
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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