I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
