and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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