sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
