Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
