Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
