I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize