So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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