The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
