He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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