oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
