two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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