I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
