YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
