my phone needs a breathalizer
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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