I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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