I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Randomize
