Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
