Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
