I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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