I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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