Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
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Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
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but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.