My hand turned me down
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
