Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
