So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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