I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
