Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
