my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
