as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We had sex on a dog bed..
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Randomize
