One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
