I'm gonna have a badass scar
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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