...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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